Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I fill condoms, not promises.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
