im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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