Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
cat food counts as protein by the way
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im part way to drunk.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
