need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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