Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So vagazzling was a success
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
