so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
