My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
