call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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