He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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