Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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