My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
