WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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