I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
