hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
