This is not my ceiling
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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