He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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