If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
