Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
