i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
