Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
