If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We got so high we made milksteak
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
