I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
