In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I faked an abortion last night.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
