how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
