My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
