did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
