when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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