dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize