I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
