girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
