So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize