the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
