he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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