ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
