He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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