The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
