just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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