a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
