dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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