I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
