I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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