i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Two words: blizzard sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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