Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
