I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
