well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Your penis caused this!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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