Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
