thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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