If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
