I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
