Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Holy shit dude........stairs
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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