All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
