just tell him i said nine months
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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