Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
