Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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