Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
