i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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