did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
