Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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