five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
