my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
