Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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