Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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