just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
