The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
