just tell him i said nine months
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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