so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize