Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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