I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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