What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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